Southern Girl Academy: Drinking and Swearing

It is strictly lore that Southern Girls are dainty. Those who have survived wars, droughts and Southern men are nothing short of warriors. Their sorrows run deep: their children worry them, their men annoy them, their football teams fail them and their waistlines betray them. All of this misery needs an outlet. That’s why Southern Girls are exceptionally gifted at drinking and swearing.

It should be noted Southern Girls who were raised right are rarely photographed with an adult beverage in their hands. That doesn’t mean there isn’t one within arm’s reach.

photo courtesy bootsmcblog.com

Depending on her upbringing, it might be necessary for a Southern Girl to conceal her beverage, or at least not flaunt it. That’s when the monogrammed flask in her purse comes in handy. (These are available at any respectable gift shop near an SEC school.) Perhaps because bourbon was born in the Confederacy and survived Prohibition in the stills of the Ozarks, we take our brown liquor seriously.

This is not to say a Southern Girl must serve libations in order to have a good time. Sweet tea is always appreciated. However, if she chooses to serve hard liquor, it is only mixed with Coke products. Pepsi will just not do.

Side note: Even if she has somehow learned to hide her accent, after a couple of drinks, you’ll hear it. She just can’t help herself. That’s why Southern Girls keep their public drinking under control. There is nothing more unattractive than a woman who can’t hold her liquor.

photo courtesy boosmcblog.com

Any Southern Girl worth her salt learns to dog cuss men and/or children early in life. She learns who to blame for her afflictions from one of the most important women who rock her cradle: her grandmother. Some grandmas will cuss anything but their grandchildren. Others will only cuss the grandchildren. No Southern child, who wants to be left standing, ever cussed her Mama. Some things are just not done.

It’s not just that Southern Girls know naughty words. Anyone who’s been to seventh grade gym learned to be profane. (What coach wasn’t driven to swearing at a group of 30 girls, all claiming to have their periods to avoid dressing out for volleyball?) A Southern Girl knows how to use them. She can take the paint off the walls, if necessary. She might never raise her voice or use the seven words you can’t say on television, but she can still leave you feeling lower than mud. She can also use words you never knew were ugly until that very moment.

For instance, a Southern Girl can swoon over how beautiful you look. In fact, she almost didn’t recognize you, you look so amazing. Truth be told, the only women she ever saw who looked as good as you, are women who see Dr. Cutstheface. Until that moment, you never knew beautiful was an insult. This sort of cut down is reserved for stepmothers, daughters-in-law and other thorns of the side.

If she must, she can lean very close and hiss in your ear that she cannot bu-leave all the weight your nemesis has lost. Did you know she used the Weight-Be-Gone method? Hey, have you ever tried that? It might really be helpful, I mean, have you seen your nemesis lately. She’s wearing spandex to pick up her children at carpool. Because.she.can. This particular low blow is used only for women who mentioned an “unnamed” prayer request for your family during Bible study, assuring certain scandal.

While it might seem all very catty to an outsider, it’s really quite civilized. In a way, Southern communities are like dog packs. Someone has to be the Alpha. We don’t fight to the death. The men use measuring sticks and bank accounts to determine supremacy. The women have other ways of making sure everyone knows who’s in charge. The tongue is, after all, the mightiest of swords.

Kerri Jackson Case spends an inordinate amount of time searching for her keys. She lives in Little Rock with her husband, son and two untrainable dogs, but will feed whoever is around at suppertime. She loves college football, Maker’s Mark and a good story, well told. You can follow her antics in real time on Twitter @kerrijack.